then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
