drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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