tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
