then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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