hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
