Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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