Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
