My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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