You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
