I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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