I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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