Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
