i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You took a bar mat shot.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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