Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
