my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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