Me too!
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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