We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You couldnât remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders âunlimited hand frittersâ if they wouldnât cut you off.
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