i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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