my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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