So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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