i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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