they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
