you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
