he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
