failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
