I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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