Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
