wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
