It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
