i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
