OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
