Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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