I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
