I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
