the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
