I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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