I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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