Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
