I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
