He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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