He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
