When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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