waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
