Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
