By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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