I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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