I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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