you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
