i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
