Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
