You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
