I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
