I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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