I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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