Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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