she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
