It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
