jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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