I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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