Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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