Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
