My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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